Asphalia
Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.
PMT
“If you let him go, I’ll be responsible for his behavior, for $5,000 per month.” I was a Professional Miscreant Tender—a PMT. It was like I was a baby-sitter for wealthy evildoers. Teenagers were a real challenge to keep in line—I shadowed them wherever they went watching like a hawk ( or maybe a vulture) for evil- doing. Underage drinking was a frequent offense. When I caught them, which was every time, I duct- taped them to saw horse, stuck a funnel down their throat, and poured copious amounts of diet Dr. Pepper down it. They would choke, and cough, and cry. When they cursed me out, I would pour more soda down their throats and punch them in the stomach—boys and girls alike. The sawhorse treatment usually put them on the right side of the law. When it didn’t work, I would break their fingers or brand them on the shoulders with a “LOSER” logo in red boldface Helvetica front. If that didn’t work, I had them ride in clothes dryers on high five hours per day, seven days per week. Some of them became severely brain damaged, but that helped put them on the right side of the law.
Then, there were the shoplifting housewives. I developed a “caregiving” technique that curtailed their thievery. They loved stealing clothing—mostly dresses—from retail dress stores. They would put two or three stolen dresses on under the dress they wore into the store. They would disable the security tags and nonchalantly walk out of the store. But, I was on them. I would walk up behind them and stick my faithful taser between their ass-cheeks and let it rip. They would do the taser dance and fall to the floor twitching. I would use a box-cutter to remove their outside dress, and then, carefully remove the stolen dresses and return them to the shopkeeper. I would rummage through their purse and find their credit card, push them into the dressing room, give them a new dress and bid them a safe trip home as I waved the taser at them. This strategy worked 99% of the time. They never shoplifted again. When it failed, I sent them to Malaysia to work in a sweat shop making sneakers. After a month, they were ready to never steal clothing again.
So, being a PMT is a pretty good gig. You’ve got to be ruthless and sadistic. The hours a grueling— misbehavior and managing it are a 24-7 proposition. Be prepared to get up in the middle of the night to light somebody on fire or hit them in the face with a blackjack. Whatever works.